2:02 PM

I am going to have to start employing food testers because I'm fairly certain someone (Billy Corgan) poisoned this peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

4:03 PM

I woke up at two-thirty in the afternoon from a thirty minute power nap with an incredible thirst that caused me to drink every drop of buttermilk in a five mile vicinity. I am now satisfied.

2:36 AM

I don't know why but I can't jerk off to porn anymore, the only thing I do get off to is old episodes of The Golden Girls when everyone is asleep.

4:14 PM

While I was taking a shit and reading the New York Times for fun, I realized my daughter's name is Sunday. I then popped four percocet.

2:56 PM

2:56 PM:
I woke up ten minutes ago and walked to the kitchen. I had a piece of cold pizza and saw my wife Jessica, she put her arms around me and said good morning. I stabbed her with a fork in the piece of skin between her thumb and forefinger.