11:12 AM

If you were in the Portland area around 3:45 AM last night I'd really appreciate if you'd answer for me the following questions.

a.) What exactly happened?
b.) Did any cops show up?
c.) Did anyone (i.e the cops) saw me running away with my shirt pulled up into a sort of turban to hide my face?
d.) Is the girl on the floor next to me with orange hair and a tattoo of a bar code on her neck eighteen? And does she have chlaymidia? Because I am not dealing with that again.

Would you mind picking me up? I'm at a co-op in the Southern Eastern-ish Portland area.

2:02 PM

I am going to have to start employing food testers because I'm fairly certain someone (Billy Corgan) poisoned this peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

4:03 PM

I woke up at two-thirty in the afternoon from a thirty minute power nap with an incredible thirst that caused me to drink every drop of buttermilk in a five mile vicinity. I am now satisfied.

2:36 AM

I don't know why but I can't jerk off to porn anymore, the only thing I do get off to is old episodes of The Golden Girls when everyone is asleep.

4:14 PM

While I was taking a shit and reading the New York Times for fun, I realized my daughter's name is Sunday. I then popped four percocet.

2:56 PM

2:56 PM:
I woke up ten minutes ago and walked to the kitchen. I had a piece of cold pizza and saw my wife Jessica, she put her arms around me and said good morning. I stabbed her with a fork in the piece of skin between her thumb and forefinger.